Good grief... I used to be extremely light hearted and full of fun and laughter - what on earth happened to me??  Why am I so pessimistic, morbid, serious and sad?  I wonder if it is just that time of year, it being winter and all, or what is going on?  I think somewhere I got the idea that being mature meant being serious all the time - and that fun side has all but been wiped out.  I definitely need to work on that... because life without laughter really isn't worth living. 

         This past month has been a really hard one for me, going through the mess of emotions of finding out that the one I had given my heart to and trusted had betrayed me, deciding that he was going to move on - although  apparently he wasn't going to finally tell me until he had been in the other relationship for sometime.... it's a difficult thing to grasp and get my mind around about someone hurting another person intentionally... but anyway.  It's hard to swallow, and it is so easy to want to nurse that hurt and let it grow, to become bitter and angry and seek revenge, but I am realizing the true peace of turning to the Lord for comfort and venting all my emotions on Him.  I feel as if people think that I should have moved on by now, and that I can no longer talk about it or bring it up; so in a way I am forced to turn to the Lord and cry out to Him in my loneliest moments when I feel that the world has forsaken and forgotten me. 

     On top of all those emotions, I am discovering where satisfaction really comes from.  So many times I want to go the easy route and drop all my standards, be lazy, do whatever I feel like doing, etc. - because I think that will give me satisfaction and fulfillment.  However, in reality, true fulfillmnt and satisfaction comes from doing the hard things of life, sticking with your standards and resisting temptation, walking with the Lord.  Why are the things that are the best for us seemingly the hardest ones?  Why does the thing that will fulfill me the most I avoid and shirk daily?  This month at the ranch we are studying self-control and responsibility and I am realizing how much this past month of depression and giving in to everything has really made me realize and start to grasp what those two qualities and principles really are. 

    I get so discouraged at times with myself and where I'm at and everything I am constantly struggling with... but last night as I was crying out to the Lord and feeling like a complete failure at everything,  it really hit me of how much of a ministry I can have with young girls, a passion that I have and long to be able to do.  I have experienced so many different things that young girls go through - depression, hating myself, comparing to others, dropping standards, regrets, rebellion, wrestling with the concept of dating, being flirtatious, insecurtiy, suicide, starving myself, trying to find fulfillment in so many things, being cheated on and experiencing bitterness, the shame of losing purity, being used by a guy, trying to keep up with today's 'beauty' standards, ....  you name it, I've probably wrestled with it - or am still wrestling with it.  God has allowed me to go through all of these things so that I can have a better ministry with those young girls that I have a heart for; it is so that I can connect with them in a way they can feel, and really reach out in understanding and love.  When that perspective is given me, the burden becomes so much easier to bear and get through.  I begin to see everything as a tool that He wants to use in my life to use me more for His kingdom.  We serve an awesome God, and He is perfect in every way.  His love never fails and although things seem so hard and so difficult, He is always there for us through it and never leaves us.